by Christie Perkins
So. Everyone with school age kids loves a good deal on cereal. Am I right? Maybe it’s just a boy thing. I don’t know. The double dollar box stock is incredible but it disappears as quickly as it’s docked. Or so it seems.
I frown. It would be nice if my amazing food stretching skills actually stretched into something more than a couple of weeks. Eeeks! I even try to hide the stuff but their sniffer is quicker than my thought process. Maybe if I actually prepared some fancy after school snack I could avoid this fiasco in the first place. Meh. But I don’t.
But, now that I think about it, I’m doing them a favor. I mean, really, just think of worst case scenario and living in a food deficit moment. My boys will not be waiting for their silver platter slathered in neatly arranged food chunks. No. They will search and scrounge up food to feed the bear growling in their stomach. They will survive because they will know how to hunt.
Oh, yes. I’m doing them a favor. (…Um, yeah, that’s it. Just justifying my lack of awesome mom skills. Anyway, moving on.)
So, I stand there all amazed at their natural ability to down a bowl of cereal. Actually, to wolf down an entire box. I guess the couple of bucks I paid for that box of cereal is worth the entertainment factor. But I really would enjoy different sound effects.
Zone…. moan. Crunch, crunch, crunch. Clink, dink, slurp… burp. Mumble. Repeat.
It really is an amazing feat.
So, where do they get this from anyway? Oh. And then I remember something. Something awful, horrible, gut wrenching bad. It’s me. It’s a gene defect I’ve passed on to my children.
Oh dear. And then a lightning bolt hits.
Hehehe. I suddenly realize how to cure all of this. (Warning: this could ruin your appetite.)
The Cereal Gene Defect
I’m starving. My inner bear is going to eat me alive. Homework will have to wait and I immediately pull out a bowl and some cereal. Living the high school dream.
Ooh yes. This box of sugar glazed cereal is the perfect choice today.
I fill that bowl to the brim, throw in some milk, and zone into my after-school feat. I eat. But, lunch must have been a little skimpy today so I fill up another bowl. Hm? Man, my metabolism is burning rich today. Can’t get homework done with my stomach begging for more. I fill up my third bowl.
Yes, folks. Three bowls full of cereal take a ride down the elevator shaft.
I nearly ate my entire third bowl when I my eyes are drawn to the remaining cereal kernels floating in the bowl. “Mmmm. That was good,” I think to myself. Satisfied and happy.
Then like a horror film (I’m assuming… I don’t really watch horror films but I was suddenly creating my own) I see one of the cereal kernels move.
I jut my head forward, dipping my head close to the bowl, but not too close. I’m frightened. I am still. Incredibly still. I stop breathing. My eyes bulge and I shove the bowl away from me as panic sets in.
Ewe, ewe, ewe, ewe, ewe!” I screech as I realized I had downed three bowls full of weevils. Apparently he was having his own after school snack. That bad boy was fat. You know that saying “you are what you eat?”… well this weevil and the cereal were spitting images of each other. And it was doggie paddling in my bowl. I’m not even kidding. There were ripples in that milk.
I stick out my tongue and frantically lick my shirt to rid it of any stray body parts. “Eeeewe,” I moan. I’m gonna die. I imagine legs and heads squashed between my teeth. And I can’t help but think of all those little guys getting a free ride to my stomach and are playing water polo.
I’m gonna die.
But I don’t. But I tell you, I found that the magic set in: I was cured and scarred all in the same moment. I’m certain my mom saved money on cereal that year.
Recipe for Avoiding the After School Cereal Snack
So. Here’s a horrible idea if you want to avoid the after school cereal snack attack.
Hide some cereal in a really good location. Wait several months to grow the weevil. Serve a healthy after school snack loaded with protein. Never have troubles with your after school cereal snack attack again. Ok, ok. Let’s be real. It will last at least a few good weeks at least.
I just can’t bring myself to do it.
So… um, anyone have any better ideas to avoid the after school cereal snack? Please feel free to share your hacks. Or if you have had a similar experience and have lived to tell it, please do!
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