Worn Out Dilapidated Dolly To the Rescue

by Christie Perkins

Wow. I’ve missed you. I’ve been on a couple of months of pain and sickness that I’ve just plain taken a break from the norm. I’m not really sure what that is anymore. Anyway, I’ve only been able to keep my head above water so most other things have just dropped. So much has happened.

But enough of that… let’s talk about life and living and all it’s wonderful perks.

I’ve been hoovering at a very hard and difficult state of well being for so long. I was tired of it. Tired of being sick, not having energy, throwing up every day, and generally not feeling great all the time. I was a dilapidated kinked-up crusty chromed car on the side of the road watching the freeway of Rolls Royce’s pass me by.

But I have not been without some amazing TLC. Of course there were so many helpful cleaners, home cooked beaners, and bright beaming gleamers that stopped to assist us. There’s been random money drops, sweet calls, and texts and visiting plops. I’ve cherished and needed them all.

But, through it all, I’ve felt so useless there being serviced and not helping anyone else. Continue reading

How To Cross the Bridges of Tomorrow With Confidence

by Christie Perkins

she-turned-to-the-sunlight-and-shook-her-yellow-headand-whispered-to-her-neighbor_-_winter-is-dead-4So let’s be honest here.

I woke up the day I was to take my chemo pill with dread. I felt my chemo creepy crawlies coming on the few days before. The anticipation of the unknown was blown up in my mind. The list of possible side effects haunted and taunted me. And I knew that my life was crossing onto new and permanent territory.

I had to cross this bridge.

You see, up until this point the perks of my current life were highlighted and blaring in neon signs in my mind. They were good signs. Which of those signs would burn out when I crossed the bridge? Continue reading

When Angels Leave This Life

Survivors Guilt

by Christie Perkins

Untitled designI have three contacts in my phone I can no longer use. Anita, Sheree, and now Lori. All cancer friends. I can’t bring myself to erase these contacts, as if having them in my phone somehow keeps them close to me.

A flood of memories rush in when I see their name flash across as I’m scrolling for another contact. For a brief moment my heart goes soft and I am touched by their goodness. The memory of their smile greets me in this moment. I can almost hear their voice, their laughter comforting me and telling me that though there are hard times there is much sunshine.

I just can’t push “erase.” Continue reading

Understanding the Purpose of Death

In Love and Death

by Christie Perkins

December 2014 011I pass my Grandma’s house one last time.

A brief vision of days past flash through my mind.  A wave of emotion overcomes me.  I remember Grandma standing at the edge of her yard in her curled hair and up curled lips.  Grandpa in his navy blue pocketed shirt is waving with those knobby knuckles.  I watch out the back window of the van as we turn the corner.  Until next time.

It is just a vision, for Grandpa’s been gone for years.  Grandma’s only been gone a few days.

I fight the stinging of hot tears brimming in my eyes as I realize that today will be the last time I visit Grandma.  No more aqua rainforest soap, aloe vera plants for bee stings, or Tang coupled with amazing breakfast eggs edged with that secret ingredient.  (Seriously!  How could she not like her own eggs?)

All is gone.  But not forgotten.

I touch the corner of each eye to drain the tear and I take a breath.

“Bye Grandma, love ya.”  My thoughts cradle my memories.  Good byes are never easy but today I say my final good bye.

I believe the wave of emotion I feel is from Grandma whispering back one last good bye. The emotion I feel is not in the doom of her death but in the power of her love.  Until next time… as for now Grandma and Grandpa will stand at the edge of heaven and earth and watch over us until we see each other again.

Continue reading

Angels Among Us

4 year old Angel

by Christie Perkins


OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERAMy 4 year old boy has a sweet little friend going through chemo.  He has not missed one little prayer in his behalf.  I thought that after a few days he would move on with life and forget- getting wrapped up in dump trucks, crazy kid moments, writing on walls, and mutilating boxes with pens (don’t ask…I don’t even know what draws him into that.)

And if we forget to mention his little friend in prayer (which we have) he is grumpy with us.  He scowls and shoots out, “Hey, you forgot my friend.”  We tip our ears down, tuck in our tails, and repent.

Oh, we repent!

But, he is persistent and perfect in prayer.  He’s a four year old angel on a mission.

His prayers are always the same, “Please help my friend (calling him by name) to feel better. And I’m gonna ‘axe’ (AKA “ask”) my mom if he’s better when I’m done saying my prayer… Amen.”

And as always the same question jumps from his lips when he is done, “Mom, is he better?”

Perfect faith.

I wish it was that quick.

But, then I think.  You know what?  Yes.  It does work that way.  I’m certain a tiny stardust of hope floats his way.  It may only be a brief moment: a hopeful thought, a sweet dream, a moment of relief from aches and pains and losses and gains, or even Mom’s lips on his cheek.  All these little prayers- they are doing something.

And for a moment he feels better.

So, I’ve been thinking about my 4 year old boy and how much we need each others prayers.  How, at times, we are in need of angels and other times we are the angel.  And, really, it is the tiniest of things- like prayer- that are the big things.

He inspired this poem.

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