Tag Archives: mom with cancer

Ride the Wave of Goodness

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by christie Perkins

Life is not a constant tumultuous wave of trials, as it sometimes appears to be. Even in a life with stage 4 cancer. Every once in a while there’s a splash wave of goodness that comes your way.

You have to be watching for it.

Ride the Wave of GoodnessLast month was tough for us. We currently babysit this cancer by periodically popping our head in on what is going on. We expect good behavior. But sometimes we find a mess we have to clean up. And sometimes, with some assistance, these messes resolve themselves.

I head into my cat scan a little concerned. My hip has been hurting much more within the last month and my legs are going numb. It’s all a strange sensation- these playdough legs. I wasn’t quiet ready to eyeball my current situation but here I was facing the day. Slight tightness constricted my chest as I waited for the CAT scan to pop it’s head in on me. My breath quickens. My mind tosses around the “what ifs” in my head.

So I pull out my handy back-up plan: I pray. Continue reading →

When Positivity Goes Kerplunk

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by Christie Perkins

So I’m living in some crazy warped time zone. It comes with the territory of “cancer news” I suppose. In the easy-load-mode I’m scheduling my daily “to do’s” and suddenly I’m thrust into the cancer twilight zone.

It’s eerie.

When PositivityIt’s eerie because the days are long. In my normal world I’ve found myself wishing to squeeze more hours out of the day. Cancer news becomes that wish granter. It’s very generous at stretching out the days. Nice little guy.

So, suddenly I find myself saying, “Wow! Was that just yesterday? It seems so long ago.” Time is no longer my own. Oh boy, is it not at all. Faceless strangers begin writing their little memos on my to do list: doctors, phone calls, return calls, surgeries, temporary kid shifting (thank you all), check ups, check outs, checkbook hocking procedures followed by twisted facial locking procedures. Continue reading →

When Angels Leave This Life

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Survivors Guilt

by Christie Perkins

Untitled designI have three contacts in my phone I can no longer use. Anita, Sheree, and now Lori. All cancer friends. I can’t bring myself to erase these contacts, as if having them in my phone somehow keeps them close to me.

A flood of memories rush in when I see their name flash across as I’m scrolling for another contact. For a brief moment my heart goes soft and I am touched by their goodness. The memory of their smile greets me in this moment. I can almost hear their voice, their laughter comforting me and telling me that though there are hard times there is much sunshine.

I just can’t push “erase.” Continue reading →

The Blues of Cancer News

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Accepting God’s Will

by Christie Perkins

So first thing I know I’m in a relentless dizzy whirlwind.  And I’m wondering is it possible to drown in a whirlwind?  And just as fiercely it spits me somewhere in the middle of a silent ocean; on a little rickety row boat I float.  There’s not a breeze, no water licks the sides of the boat, and there’s a shark looming underneath.  I can’t see it, but I feel it in that queasy feeling in my stomach.  My thoughts are loud, extremely loud.  And there’s no escape.

Germany 6-12 094

But I smile.  It’s fake.

I don’t want my kids picking up on my distress signal.  But the warning lights have been flashing for 15 days now.  The biopsy was 8 days ago.  The promised 3-5 day results are overdue.

It is here on this eery ocean I sit quietly and wait for a rescue.   I desperately need a rescue, any rescue.

I’m not so sure I can take one more day of worry.  At this point, any news will soothe. Continue reading →

Chemo Hair Gets a Compliment

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Share Your Thoughts: Quit Keeping it a Secret

by Christie Perkins

baby blessing, etc 138“I love ‘urs’ hair Mommy.  It’s cute,”  my three year old said as he ran his fingers through my 1/2 inch stub of hair.

His timing could not have been more perfect.  I was laying in bed after a radiation treatment chalking up everything that I’ve lost control over since I started this cancer journey: money, my 1st graders empty reading calendar, my 3 1/2 year old who was still enjoying his soggy diapers, and selling and building a new house.  I was stressing about the day I go wigless in my new ward, and frustrated about my personal power cord fiasco from the chemo treatments…

All these thoughts were buzzing around in my head and bugging me. Continue reading →

Share The Truths You See In Others

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Build Up Those Around You With Words Of Truth

By Christie Perkins

Germany 6-12 072Gasp.   My little guy drew in his breath.

I was trying to listen to the speaker at church amid an acrobatic stunt.  You see, I was working on crushing my 4 year olds dreams of pursuing his talents… well, at least here on the church bench anyway.

I wasn’t even sure he was listening to the speaker because usually when the jaw’s flapping the ears are slacking.  I was anticipating that the lions and bears would be arriving any time soon. Continue reading →

The Cancer Whisperer

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Family History Helped Me Find My Lump

by Christie Perkins

004You know that telephone game?  The one where you whisper in someone’s ear and by the end it gets all messed up.

Yeah, well… that happened to me.

Although it wasn’t a mixed up message but some fabulous tumor instead.  It was passed from generation to generation, until it got to me all mixed up and messed up.  Some static message ended up clunking out 2 types of cancer and 7 tumors (thankfully, only five were malignant).

Oh, the cancer whisperer messed that one up. Continue reading →

Surviving Breast Cancer

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Giving Thanks for Trials

by Christie Perkins

Kicking cancer with chemo...and an amazing support system.

Kicking cancer with chemo…and an amazing support system.

One year ago today I finished my last round of chemo.  I don’t miss it at all.

Hibernating taste buds, fiery hands and feet, stolen feminine identity card, constant flu-like symptoms, and commando hairstyle hardly merits any type of thank you card but the perspective I gained from cancer does.

In May of 2013 I was diagnosed with invasive ductile breast cancer with lobular features.  In a nutshell, I had two types of cancer where surgery left me with a cancer finger and a fear of return.  My lymph nodes also joined the cancer party.  Every party has a pooper, right?  Chemo and radiation were my attack dogs.  I was a 34 year old mother with four boys ranging from the ages of 2-11.

Continue reading →