Finding Peace in Impossible Circumstances

by Christie Perkins

My medical records now have a new permanent line: liver metastases. We wondered if we could just cut out the new tumors in the liver but the doctor says that it won’t do any good because with stage 4 cancer there are just cancer cells everywhere. We don’t ever really get rid of it we just try and keep it from spreading.

Oh yeah. That’s right.

Little factoid here: Breast cancer that has metastasized (stage 4 cancer) loves to travel to the bones, the ovaries, the brain, and the liver. I’ve eliminated the ovaries (neener-neener can’t catch me), checked the brain, and am already hosting a party in the bones, and now it’s in the liver.

But, don’t you stress now.

(We are trying to keep the cancer tourists from hearing about this new premium prime location- so shhhh! Don’t mention it.) It’s true, it’s not exactly the best news but the way I see it- they are just a few wimpy spots anyway. But the thing I can’t quite shake is the peace. Yeah, the peace. No matter what, it won’t leave me.

I like it. Continue reading

How I Landed My Brain MRI; New Findings

by Christie PErkiNS

This all started with my “trip” to  in Home Depot. I was just checking out lights. Luckily it was just my husband, me, and my random eyewitness that was on the aisle.

The floor was incredibly flat and smooth, not slick even a niche. Then poof! I dropped from eyesight. It’s like a magic trick. You know how tricks like this work: you see it, but you don’t.

How in the world can you fall on that? “That,” meaning nothing. I question my trick.

But, since my eyewitness was mentally documenting my fall and my husband had that quizzical look on his face I decided to fool them again. I pretended nothing happened. But the cock-eyed looks from the gents on the aisle made me splash out a smile, a chuckle, and a shrug.

Lets just forget that… moving along.

A couple of days later I’m in the granite store and we do a repeat trick. Wow. Fabulous moments going on here. Always getting the same quizzical look and silent words reverberate loud and clear in my ear…

What in the world?

My finale is always the same though: a smile, oops eyes, and a shrug. And the next several days I continue to fall when I walk. I trip on a thin cardboard box, the end of the broom- the straw fluffy-puff end, not the handle.

People begin booking my stunts. Continue reading

Want To Perk Up Your Spirit? Try This!

by Christie Perkins

So lately I’ve been wearing some personality magnifying glasses that only sees my weaknesses. I sort of, kind of,… ok REALLY hate them. Every day it has this amazing power to pick up some new weakness. Well, I guess it’s not “new”- let’s face this- weaknesses don’t just flourish in a petri dish overnight. But, my ability to see what I am not is really annoying me.


So, I got the half-brained brilliant idea to list all my weaknesses down. Wow. And as I listed them a full force of thoughts came rushing at me. The creative juices were loose. In fact, they were a little overly rambunctious. Calm down now. I knew I wasn’t very successful at many things but I had no idea that I really did stink it up this bad. Yeah, that took my depressed state down a few notches.

Not exactly the best idea.

Phew! I was glad my five year old interrupted me as my personal stink list pad was filling up fast with what I think bad. Gulp. Nice interruption. I didn’t want to go back to that little self-reflection activity. Continue reading

Guaranteed Picture Perfect Moments

by Christie Perkins

Sometimes we think we know what is best for us.

Yeah, we think we have it all figured all out. You know, it’s the perfect, flawless, plan. In our heads the picture is complete. We actually think we know all of the details of what is best for us. And then (because we claim the teenage syndrome of “all knowing”) sometimes question why prayers aren’t being answered. We wonder if we are being heard at all.

Guaranteed Picture Perfect MomentsBut if we step back we will realize that our picture’s not quite perfect: we are just a kindergartners attempting to draw the perfect picture. As an adult it is easy to see that a person has shoulders, not just arms protruding from a neck that’s the same size as our thighs and hips. And there’s more to a simple line for our lips. A scraggly lined lip isn’t really fire engine red but a soft muted mauve.

Experience and prior mistakes in our own drawings tell us so. (Well that and my high school art teacher… who knew the eyeballs are not actually positioned on our hairline?) Continue reading

Grateful for the Handless Stinkbug Twirl

Let the Little Things Change You

by Christie Perkins

We live for inspirational moments. Well I do, anyway.

Sometimes I will seek out inspirational quotes or messages online and find great delight in its effect on me. I rerun it over and over in my head.

But I especially love it when the day’s forward motion strikes an inspirational moment and I’m changed for the better. My own personal inspirational moment.

2015 Aug PLeasant Creek Campground 025So, I’ve had a thought that keeps pegging me: I wonder how many times I miss some inspirational moment? I miss it because I’m too stuck on the mundane task ahead of me. I miss it because I’m too busy thinking about what’s next. And I miss it because I fail to think about how it can apply to me.

And sometimes it catches me by surprise. I remember one instance nearly a decade ago that still influences me. It was such a little thing with big impact.

Continue reading

The Blues of Cancer News

Accepting God’s Will

by Christie Perkins

So first thing I know I’m in a relentless dizzy whirlwind.  And I’m wondering is it possible to drown in a whirlwind?  And just as fiercely it spits me somewhere in the middle of a silent ocean; on a little rickety row boat I float.  There’s not a breeze, no water licks the sides of the boat, and there’s a shark looming underneath.  I can’t see it, but I feel it in that queasy feeling in my stomach.  My thoughts are loud, extremely loud.  And there’s no escape.

Germany 6-12 094

But I smile.  It’s fake.

I don’t want my kids picking up on my distress signal.  But the warning lights have been flashing for 15 days now.  The biopsy was 8 days ago.  The promised 3-5 day results are overdue.

It is here on this eery ocean I sit quietly and wait for a rescue.   I desperately need a rescue, any rescue.

I’m not so sure I can take one more day of worry.  At this point, any news will soothe. Continue reading

Opportunity of Opposition

I Can Get Through My Tough Times #BecauseHeLives

by Christie Perkins

photo (720x960)We are meant to face hard things.  There must be opposition in all things so that we can understand the beauty of the good.

And there is so much good in this life.

When a simple phrase like “we’re just making memories” won’t do, there’s still a rescue that’s awaiting you.  Only the Savior can bear these burdens.

There have been times that I have tried to carry my own burdens but to no avail.  But, it wasn’t until I got down on my knees and poured out my heart concerning my troubles that He rescued me. Continue reading

The Practice Prayer

Fine Tuning Your Prayers Requires Evaluating Your Prayers, First

by Christie Perkins

A practice prayer may look a little like this!What are your prayers like?

Check.  Yep, my morning prayers come as a little check mark on my to do list.  It’s a bad habit, really.  It’s a bad habit because the prayer is insincere.  It can be quick.  But, sometimes it’s insanely long.

I find my mind scuttling around in my to-do list.  It replays funny moments from yesterday.  And it dwells on, and hashes out, current frustrations.  It even wanders over to planning out the day’s outfit.  And sometimes it’s replaying scenes from a movie or dream.

And my eyes flash open.  I’m praying about this?  The prayer’s not pretty.  And I end up finding myself talking, not to God, but to myself.

Go ahead- judge me.  Diagnose me with some crazy explanation for my behavior.  Call it whatever you want.  But I call it my practice prayer.

Continue reading

Angels Among Us

4 year old Angel

by Christie Perkins


OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERAMy 4 year old boy has a sweet little friend going through chemo.  He has not missed one little prayer in his behalf.  I thought that after a few days he would move on with life and forget- getting wrapped up in dump trucks, crazy kid moments, writing on walls, and mutilating boxes with pens (don’t ask…I don’t even know what draws him into that.)

And if we forget to mention his little friend in prayer (which we have) he is grumpy with us.  He scowls and shoots out, “Hey, you forgot my friend.”  We tip our ears down, tuck in our tails, and repent.

Oh, we repent!

But, he is persistent and perfect in prayer.  He’s a four year old angel on a mission.

His prayers are always the same, “Please help my friend (calling him by name) to feel better. And I’m gonna ‘axe’ (AKA “ask”) my mom if he’s better when I’m done saying my prayer… Amen.”

And as always the same question jumps from his lips when he is done, “Mom, is he better?”

Perfect faith.

I wish it was that quick.

But, then I think.  You know what?  Yes.  It does work that way.  I’m certain a tiny stardust of hope floats his way.  It may only be a brief moment: a hopeful thought, a sweet dream, a moment of relief from aches and pains and losses and gains, or even Mom’s lips on his cheek.  All these little prayers- they are doing something.

And for a moment he feels better.

So, I’ve been thinking about my 4 year old boy and how much we need each others prayers.  How, at times, we are in need of angels and other times we are the angel.  And, really, it is the tiniest of things- like prayer- that are the big things.

He inspired this poem.

Continue reading