The Mysterious Masked Ma’am

by Christie Perkins

It’s not Halloween. Yet, she sports a mysterious mask. And, quite frankly, it doesn’t match her outfit. So what’s the deal?

the-mysterious-masked-maamYeah. Well. Thank you white blood cells. It’s official: my white blood cells have turned into couch potatoes.

The doc expected the cells to perform in a week and in two weeks they were still on vacation being lazy and making me a little stir crazy. So I decided to venture out. But of course I take my baby blue mask to filter out germs.

I miss human life forms.

I put it on and only my eyes lop over the top. Holy cow this is not what I was imagining. Couldn’t they make it slip just over the lips? I feel… noticeable (to say the least) as it covers my entire face. My makeup job this morning was a waste. Yay. But I wear lipstick anyway. It makes me feel better. This mask is fabulous for a back row kind of gal. Wow. Well. At least if I get lost I’ll have my SOS gear intact.

But there are many myths about the Mysterious Masked Ma’am that people don’t understand. The reason I’m in the mask is because you are contagious to me- not me contagious to you. It’s fine. I’ve always thought the same thing.

In fact I’ve thought these exact words upon seeing such a mystery “What? What is she doing in public? If she’s that contagious she should stay home. I don’t want her disease.” I part the way, protect my children, and let her pass.

Well. I was wrong. Super-duper way off wrong. And it makes me laugh now to think I was so naive. She is just cooped up and needs to get out. She’s not contagious at all. She wears a mask to protect herself from the germs. But, let me tell you, despite the awkward public moments. There are some very fine perks to wearing the baby blue (bacteria filtering) mask. Listen up.


Top 10 Perks of Wearing a Baby Blue Mask

#10 It Brings Out the Blue In My Eyes. Thankfully the mask is baby blue and highlights my eyes. (What a blessing I don’t have brown eyes or this wouldn’t even make the perk list.)

#9 It Announces My Entrance So I Don’t Have To. It’s a good thing it’s not flesh colored. Whew. Imagine that. How in the world would people even know I was in the vicinity if it blended in with the rest of my face? Baby blue masks seem to have this inaudible warning beep attached to it. Here she comes! And just like that- the royal carpets roll out and a red sea parting takes place. Royal treatment baby.

#8 You Get an Accurate Gauge of How Your Breath Really Smells. It’s the perk of all perks right. I’ve upgraded my mint gum intake.

#7 Cracks the Chappy Lip Case. Amazing results of soft lips. There’s a constant flow of humid breath squids amid the facial covering. Who needs chapstick when you can wear a mask for velvet lips? (Side effects for wearing facial masks may cause impaired breathing or suffocation. Please consult a doctor before trying this.)

#6 Non-Yawn Reveal-er. I’ve actually used it and didn’t even have to cover my yawn because… well, I’ve got that covered. Late nights won’t show up in infectious yawns anymore. And the best part, no one even knows. Plus, check that out- I’m not passing along my only contagious issue: a yawn. People ask my all the time if I’m contagious. I smile (because I totally used to think the same thing with Mysterious Masked Ma’ams and Mans) and let them know that they are contagious to me. And no, you won’t even catch my yawn!

Totally just made you yawn, didn’t I?

#5 Song Muffler and Flat Note Buffer. Works wonders on singing under the note (instead of on the note). You get instant surround sound when you talk or sing. It’s great for your projected and suddenly rejected singing career. Life is meant to be real. Blue masks help you evaluate reality.

#4 Shifty Eye Entertainment. So it’s quite entertaining to go to a store and smile at passer-by’s. 99% of the people will look the other way. It bothered me at first (because I love smiling at strangers) but then I realized they couldn’t see me smile so they couldn’t read my body language. It was easier for them to look the other way because who knows if the Mysterious Masked Ma’am is actually having a bad day: it would be rude to smile at their pain. I’m not offended, I get it. Just know I’m smiling- you just can’t see it. It’s kind of a fun game to play to watch people avoid eye contact. But I truly love the ones who smile back. Always smile at the Mysterious Masked Ma’am or Man, they will love you for it.

#3 You Find Instant Body Guards… who wrap you in sanitized bubble wrap. They do background health checks on waitresses in restaurants and germ-ex your eating places (in public). They assassinate all germs and thoroughly scope all bystanders and offer free health screenings. I’m laughing but you can’t tell because the blue mask is only allowed to part slightly to enter food into my mouth. Poor germs get squirrely, curl up, and scream like little girls when he walks in. Death by germs are not possible with Mr. Body Guard.

#2 You Find Out Your Kids Aren’t as Embarrassed By You as You Are. This was a big sweet moment when I wore my mask for the first time. I was so embarrassed and my kid who won’t hug me in public said, “You don’t look funny Mom. You look great. I should have worn one with you.” He walked the whole way into church with me, shoulder to shoulder, not ashamed at all. Wearing funky baby blue masks helps you know that people love you, not the things you wear. That was far better than a public hug any day. Thank you for giving me courage and mostly for loving me when I wasn’t sure what others would think. Every public appearance my boys huddle round like angels bearing me up and tearing down awkward looking frowns.

#1 It Keeps Me Safe From Germs. It literally keeps me alive because I have no fighting power without an immune system. A little illness for you can crash me. So we just take the extra precautions and be extra careful while still attempting a normal life (as you can tell wearing a mask automatically issues a very normal life). So the Mysterious Masked Ma’am strikes again, waiting patiently for my white blood cells and neutrophils to come up. For what we were hoping would raise in a week we are still waiting a month later… and hoping this is over soon.

(*Note: The cancer center released the restrictions on neutropenic patients but cautioned to be careful… so I’ve been eating broccoli again but still being careful with the mask thing and avoiding illness.)


What To Do When You See a Mysterious Masked Ma’am or Man:

So next time you are out and about and you see a mysterious baby blue masked ma’am or man. Do the best thing ever. Flash them a smile because they feel pretty silly wandering around in baby blue signs pointing to their couch potato immune system. And here’s to knocking down that crazy idea that the Mysterious Masked Ma’am is dangerous. She’s not but you are.

It’s not all bad though.

In the process I get stunning eyes, royal treatment, more daily sweet breaths, velvet lips, and people who are grateful I won’t infect them with a yawn. Masks help you find new talents, play real live games with shifty eyes, and get warm fuzzies from the body guard and kiddos. Most of all, I’m happy to be here and given so many wonderful days. Have a terrific day… and hand out smiles to the least likely suspects, like the Mysterious Masked Ma’am.


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5 thoughts on “The Mysterious Masked Ma’am

  1. You are so amazing!! I may have to try this for dry lips. But I will definitely consult my doctor first. 😉 So funny! I’m totally going to make sure I smile at anyone wearing a mask. Love it! (And you!)

  2. I love your “body guard” comment. Bryan loves you so much and worries about you constantly, we all do, but he has taken his role of big brother protecting his sister from “germs” very seriously. He made sure every surface of our house had been wiped down with disinfecting cleaner before Thanksgiving. Be ready for embarrassment in Salt Lake – I’m sure he’ll carry a backpack with Lysol and gallons of Germ-X everywhere we go and he won’t be subtle about wiping down surfaces in public!

    We love you mask and all! You always amaze us with your strength and positive outlook!

  3. I love it and totally adore you!! You make the very best of every situation, I wore a mask for a while but mine was smaller, love you lady!!!

  4. I wish I were as optimistic and funny as you are, and that’s now my goal in life: to hand out a positive attitude and have gratitude for every day! I love and pray for you Christie! (And your family, I love them too!)

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