Tag Archives: gifts of cancer

Fuzzy Chemo Hair

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by Christie Perkins

Technically I shouldn’t have wished for it.

You see my brother has this dog. It’s a very sweet dog. However, I’ve never snuggled it because I’m allergic to dogs and cats. But, claiming it was hypoallergenic, I gave in and scratched behind her ear.

And, immediately we became friends… and I fell in love with the dog.

So, here I am, watching the dog with a gamut of kids around it. They are all scratching her belly, behind her ear and neck and her eyes get all droopy, dazed; glazed. I think she is actually smiling.

Poor dog. Has to stand there all adorable looking and the kids are magnetized by her irresistible cuteness.

And that’s where I went wrong. For a brief moment I wished that I could be a dog (minus the dog food, of course). Continue reading →

Worn Out Dilapidated Dolly To the Rescue

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by Christie Perkins

Wow. I’ve missed you. I’ve been on a couple of months of pain and sickness that I’ve just plain taken a break from the norm. I’m not really sure what that is anymore. Anyway, I’ve only been able to keep my head above water so most other things have just dropped. So much has happened.

But enough of that… let’s talk about life and living and all it’s wonderful perks.

I’ve been hoovering at a very hard and difficult state of well being for so long. I was tired of it. Tired of being sick, not having energy, throwing up every day, and generally not feeling great all the time. I was a dilapidated kinked-up crusty chromed car on the side of the road watching the freeway of Rolls Royce’s pass me by.

But I have not been without some amazing TLC. Of course there were so many helpful cleaners, home cooked beaners, and bright beaming gleamers that stopped to assist us. There’s been random money drops, sweet calls, and texts and visiting plops. I’ve cherished and needed them all.

But, through it all, I’ve felt so useless there being serviced and not helping anyone else. Continue reading →

Cancer: Episode 2

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by Christie Perkins

Funny how Heavenly Father has been helping me all along.

You know how sometimes you do things and you think that you are helping someone else. You hope and think you are changing the world in some small way. Your impressions to do certain things are so strong and as you follow them you are certain that someone was being helped by you and your efforts.

But then I realized something: this was all meant for me.

Cancer_ Episode 2All of this stressing, and worrying, and thinking, and planning, and writing was all for me. I was guided and prompted… and reminded of the goodness of God. I prayed many times that whoever needed these words on my blog would feel them and benefit from them. Heavenly Father in His goodness and kindness was telling me eternal truths that I felt so passionately about. I prayed that I would reach that one person who truly needed it.

I had no idea that that one person would be me. Continue reading →

Dear Santa, I Want Hair!

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Christmas Wishes

by Christie Perkins

Dear Santa, I want Hair!Two years ago I sat on Santa’s lap.

I only wanted one gift: hair. Chemo treatments stole my beauty markers. It ate my eyebrows, eyelashes, and hair (hungry little guy). The mirror check resulted in a search and rescue for any kind of roughage. My eyes would slip all over my face and head until it landed on my sole survivor eyelash. One eyelash on each eye.

It looked stupid. Continue reading →

When Angels Leave This Life

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Survivors Guilt

by Christie Perkins

Untitled designI have three contacts in my phone I can no longer use. Anita, Sheree, and now Lori. All cancer friends. I can’t bring myself to erase these contacts, as if having them in my phone somehow keeps them close to me.

A flood of memories rush in when I see their name flash across as I’m scrolling for another contact. For a brief moment my heart goes soft and I am touched by their goodness. The memory of their smile greets me in this moment. I can almost hear their voice, their laughter comforting me and telling me that though there are hard times there is much sunshine.

I just can’t push “erase.” Continue reading →

Angels Among Us

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4 year old Angel

by Christie Perkins

 

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERAMy 4 year old boy has a sweet little friend going through chemo.  He has not missed one little prayer in his behalf.  I thought that after a few days he would move on with life and forget- getting wrapped up in dump trucks, crazy kid moments, writing on walls, and mutilating boxes with pens (don’t ask…I don’t even know what draws him into that.)

And if we forget to mention his little friend in prayer (which we have) he is grumpy with us.  He scowls and shoots out, “Hey, you forgot my friend.”  We tip our ears down, tuck in our tails, and repent.

Oh, we repent!

But, he is persistent and perfect in prayer.  He’s a four year old angel on a mission.

His prayers are always the same, “Please help my friend (calling him by name) to feel better. And I’m gonna ‘axe’ (AKA “ask”) my mom if he’s better when I’m done saying my prayer… Amen.”

And as always the same question jumps from his lips when he is done, “Mom, is he better?”

Perfect faith.

I wish it was that quick.

But, then I think.  You know what?  Yes.  It does work that way.  I’m certain a tiny stardust of hope floats his way.  It may only be a brief moment: a hopeful thought, a sweet dream, a moment of relief from aches and pains and losses and gains, or even Mom’s lips on his cheek.  All these little prayers- they are doing something.

And for a moment he feels better.

So, I’ve been thinking about my 4 year old boy and how much we need each others prayers.  How, at times, we are in need of angels and other times we are the angel.  And, really, it is the tiniest of things- like prayer- that are the big things.

He inspired this poem.

Continue reading →

Share the Gift

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Gifts that Lift

By Christie Perkins

A message of hopeToday I’m joining the #ShareTheGift movement through the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints website.  I want to share a message about how I know that through the gift of Jesus Christ one of my most difficult moments were made light.  I want to bear my testimony of the atonement and it’s great power.

In Alma 7:12 it reads “…and he will take upon him their infirmities, that his bowels may be filled with mercy, according to the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh how to succor his people according to their infirmities.” 

I felt as if I was carried in His hands through my cancer trial.  I could not have done it without the Savior taking upon Him my infirmities.

His is the gift that lifts.

 

My Most Difficult Day

Early one morning, just before sunrise I sat at the kitchen table, eating oatmeal that I couldn’t taste.  I didn’t feel well.  Big warm tears dropped from my cheeks.  It splashed on the table below me.

I couldn’t do this anymore.  I had only done 4 of the 8 chemo treatments (which I refer to lovingly as 5 hours of nuclear waste dumping) but each one was progressively worse.  And each treatment had a new complication I had to muddle through.

I was tired of feeling sick.  Nights were restless and my anxiety was escalated so that I couldn’t even crawl into bed for a good rest.  My legs were antsy.  I buzzed around, wearing circles in my carpet, which alleviated my anxiety but complicated my need for rest.

My chemo fog was extreme.  I couldn’t read or concentrate. I existed in a muffled brain state.  It’s as if someone had shoved a blanket in my head cutting off all circulation, numbing my brain and it’s functions.

I was ugly, bald, and cold.   My eyelashes and eyebrows were dropping.  And I felt like I was dropping out of everyone’s life… circumstances made it so.

My fast track moment in life began with diagnosis, total mastectomy, painful reconstruction, and now chemo.  My body had taken all it could.  Mentally, physically, and emotionally I was exhausted.

I couldn’t fight any more.

Continue reading →

Surviving Breast Cancer

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Giving Thanks for Trials

by Christie Perkins

Kicking cancer with chemo...and an amazing support system.

Kicking cancer with chemo…and an amazing support system.

One year ago today I finished my last round of chemo.  I don’t miss it at all.

Hibernating taste buds, fiery hands and feet, stolen feminine identity card, constant flu-like symptoms, and commando hairstyle hardly merits any type of thank you card but the perspective I gained from cancer does.

In May of 2013 I was diagnosed with invasive ductile breast cancer with lobular features.  In a nutshell, I had two types of cancer where surgery left me with a cancer finger and a fear of return.  My lymph nodes also joined the cancer party.  Every party has a pooper, right?  Chemo and radiation were my attack dogs.  I was a 34 year old mother with four boys ranging from the ages of 2-11.

Continue reading →